I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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