I'm sorry my penis didn't work
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
