She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
