We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.