Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
