I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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