Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
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The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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