Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
