i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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