im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
