I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My bed smells like the plague
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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