I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
