We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
