U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
