I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
