Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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