I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
