I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize