Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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