Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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