Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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