He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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