Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
