nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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