i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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