Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
