i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
