I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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