i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How does one acquire holy water?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
