My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
