Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we're making bets on your personal life
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
