There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
