he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
