Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
