i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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