Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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