Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
