In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
