I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
