i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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