I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
