I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
