No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
