There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
