does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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