Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
