i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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