does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
