I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
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Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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