uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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