Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
