Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
