Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
