its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
