I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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