Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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