I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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